General Crack Fiction
by Ms. Kreatopita
Summary: What if Sonny got a cat, Luke taught sex education, Jason played Pokemon, and Nikolas woke up one morning speaking internet slang? These are just some of the misadventures that the GH gang will face when the fandom is subjected to crack fiction!
1. Tale 1: Sonny Gets a Cat

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own General Hospital or any of the characters associated with it.**

**The following story takes place a little bit after Claudia finds out she's pregnant. **

**Now, what is "crack fiction" (a.k.a. crackfic) exactly? Pretty much, it's a story that you look at and think, "Holy cow, this is makes no sense, but it's freaking hilarious! This girl must be on crack!" (Figuratively, of course; I would never do drugs). Nothing is off limits, there are no boundaries for relationship possibilities, and the characters can get pretty out of character. So sit back, open up your mind and a bag of snacks, and enjoy the insanity that is…**

**General Crack Fiction**

Tale #1: Sonny Adopts a Cat

When Claudia walked into the house, eating a most delicious donut, she saw Sonny seated on the sofa with a cardboard carrier on his lap. The container in question had several holes along the side and a light scratching noise was coming from within, causing the new Mrs. Corinthos to tense up. Something was definitely alive in there, and she wasn't sure she wanted to find out what it was.

"Hey, Claudia!" greeted Sonny in an unusually cheery voice. "You're just in time to meet the newest addition to the family." And with that, he opened the cardboard box and gingerly lifted out the most adorable little kitten on this side of Port Charles. Its turtleshell patterned coat had splotches of black, orange, yellow, and white, and its eyes were a dazzling green. The tiny creature let out a timid "mew" and frantically latched on to Sonny's shirt for support. "I found this little missy on the docks nearby, and she had a collar on (he indicated the little red collar with a bell), so I took her to the shelter to see if anyone recognized her. Turns out the owner moved to Dallas last week. The vet over there went ahead and did a checkup, gave her the shots she needed, and asked if I wanted to take her home with me."

Claudia had not expected this at all. Sonny knew perfectly well that his child (at least Claudia hoped) was on its way, and having a cat in the house would only make things doubly stressful. More importantly, she had the ominous feeling that this would somehow foil her plan to get rid of Jason (it was a little something Johnny called her "Claudie-senses").

"So, what do you think I should name her?" asked Sonny, causing Claudia to snap out of her reverie. "The last owner just called her 'Kitty', but this little thing needs something more original." Both he and the cat gave her the same expectant look as they waited for an answer. Before she could take it back, Claudia said the first thing that came to her mind.

"Waffle."

"Waffle?"

"Yeah, because if I see that little fuzzball making any trouble, I'll eat it for breakfast."

Sonny raised his eyebrows in bewilderment. The kitty would have probably done the same if it had eyebrows and understood English. "Claudia…that's got to be the most…_creative_ name I've ever heard!" Sonny held the cat up and started cooing at it as though it were a human baby. "Hello, wittle Waffle!"

Claudia rolled her eyes and left the room.

About three days later, Jason came over to consult his boss about a drug incident that somehow involved a bag of corn, three paintbrushes, and fishnet stockings. Sonny invited him into the living/conspiring room and walked over to the liquor cabinet to serve up some drinks. Jason made himself at home and sat on the end of the sofa covered with a warm, fuzzy blanket (his ass was freezing).

Sonny came back with a mango-tini for himself and a White Russian for Jason. When he saw where his associate had settled himself, Sonny did a triple take.

"Don't. Sit. On. Waffle's. Bed."

Jason's usual look of confusion got more confusified. "Waffle? Who the hell is Waffle?"

"She's a kitty I found a few days ago, and you are sitting on her sleeping space!"

"Alright, alright, fine! Geez, it's just a cat!" Jason threw his hands up in surrender and stood up.

"That's not just any cat, Jason," interjected Sonny sternly. "You're talking about Waffle N. Syrup Corinthos. She's a member of the family!" He huffily sat down at his desk, and Jason plopped down on an armchair across the room. Fifty-seven intense seconds of silence ensued in which the two mobsters avoided eye contact and just stared at the large rug that separated them. Finally, Sonny let out a sigh and glanced at Jason, who seemed slightly hurt by the argument. He then grinned a little and said in a playful voice, "I love you, Jason."

"I love you too, Sonny," replied Jason in the same manner, lifting his eyes and smiling at his best friend.

"But seriously, Waffle loves that spot. She'll shred you up if you sit there. I'm only guarding your best interests here."

"Hey, forget about it," insisted Jason, "just as long as we can put this behind us and still be friends, Waffle can sleep wherever the hell she wants."

"Believe me; I wouldn't trade you for all the Waffles in the world." Sonny held out his arms invitingly. "Man hug?"

Jason couldn't help grinning as he walked over to Sonny and gave him a very, ahem, manly hug. Just as they embraced in a totally masculine way, Claudia walked in with another donut in her mouth and, upon seeing this, turned right back around.


	2. Tale 2: Luke Teaches Sex Education

**Disclaimer:**** I do not own General Hospital or any of the characters associated with it.**

**Author's Note: In this story, everyone (and I do mean everyone) is high school aged unless specified as a teacher, principal, or parent. I don't care if it makes little to no sense whatsoever, just read and laugh. Also, if you have something against the words "penis" and "vagina" being used in their (mostly) proper anatomical contexts, you might not know Luke Spencer as well as you think. **

**General Crack Fiction**

Tale #2: Luke Teaches Sex Education

Everyone was excited about the first day of a new year at Port Charles High School. This would be the first year where all of the students had to take a mandatory sex education course ("for the good of our children" stated Principal Alexis Davis in a very unconvincing tone). It was on this first day of school that a large portion of the youth-ified soap opera cast sat together in Mr. Spencer's room for third period, hardly aware that they were going to be guinea pigs for the board of education.

Anyhow, the "students" were up to their usual shenanigans, which extended past the tardy bell but instantly ceased when an elderly yet svelte man walked in and slammed the door of the classroom shut.

"Alright, my name is Mr. Luke Spencer, and this is third period Sex Education. As you might know, this course is now required in order to graduate from PCHS, and unless you are a senior, you have chosen to get it out of the way now, and for that you should be proud of yourselves. Now let me call roll here…"

Carly Benson ("That's supposed to show up as Quartermaine-Corinthos, but I'm changing it to Jacks next week.")  
>Nikolas Cassadine ("Here!")<br>Michael Corinthos ("That's 'Sonny' to you, pal!"),  
>Patrick Drake ("Here!")<br>Jasper Jacks ("I go by my last name, just with an x instead of –ks")  
>Jerry Jacks ("Here!")<br>Maxie Jones ("Wait, what?")  
>Richard Lansing ("Just 'Ric' is fine")<br>Samantha McCall ("Present!")  
>Jason Morgan ("Here!")<br>Robin Scorpio ("Here!")  
>Lucky Spencer ("Oh come on, dad!")<br>Lulu Spencer ("Here, dad!")  
>Damian Spinelli ("Present and accounted for!")<br>Claudia Zacchara ("Here!")  
>Johnathan Zacchara ("Penis!")<p>

"…well, I see someone is going to pass this class with flying colors," observed Luke while the rest of the class giggled. He began writing on the board and continued his train of thought. "And this brings up a very important topic: if you want to learn the most from this class, you can't be afraid of asking questions and using correct anatomical names in our discussions. Hopefully, you all are mature enough to know when you should and shouldn't say these words," he concluded with two quick lines drawn under two words.

"Wait a sec, what's going on?" asked Maxie.

Robin turned around and answered her in all seriousness. "Mr. Spencer wants us to use the proper words for wiener and jay-jay."

"Come off it, Robin," teased Carly, "If Johnny can shout out 'penis' in front of the class without getting sent to Principal Davis, I'm pretty sure you can say 'vagina' without the cute nickname! Seriously, you have one, I have one, maybe Nikolas…"

Luke cut her off before she could continue. "An excellent point, Miss…you mind if I just stick with 'Benson' for now? ("Go right ahead," responded Carly.) You see, Miss Benson, lots of schools around the nation teach kids based on an abstinence-only curriculum, which is perfectly fine, and I have no qualms with it. However, what we're going to try here at Port Charles is to teach our youth all about their bodies and hopefully demystify any sort of taboos surrounding them."

Sonny couldn't keep himself from face-palming and muttering, "Why do I have the feeling that all of this is going to totally warp our perception of normal sexuality?"

* * *

><p>The first nine weeks passed rapidly. By the end of September, almost all of the students were able to use correct anatomical terms without fear (except for Robin, but for some very odd reason she had no problem with saying "dick" and "twat", so Mr. Spencer allowed her to use that). On one October day, the students entered the class to find the words "MAJOR GRADE" boldly scribbled on the board. About halfway through the class, Luke began writing even more words on the board. "Now, for your semester project, you are to write a five-page paper, double-spaced, on any two of the following topics. You must be able to show how your two topics affect each other and explain why each is relevant to overall sexual wellbeing." Some of the phrases on the board included <em>pregnancy, condom use, sexual peer pressure, sexually transmitted diseases, male reproductive problems, female reproductive problems, homosexual relationships, sexuality in media<em>, and so on. "Each student will conduct research on their topics outside of class, though you are welcome to consult me during after-school tutoring hours. I just might have material that you won't be able to find in any library."

Jason shot the teacher a disturbed look. "What kind of sex ed. class is this?"

Before anyone could answer, the bell rang for dismissal, and the sixteen students rushed off to their next class. At lunch, they all sat at the same table (except Jerry, who mysteriously disappeared) and talked about what they were going to write their paper on.

"I was thinking it would be interesting to compare the types of cancers that affect the male reproductive system to those that affect the female reproductive system," proposed Patrick.

"Well, la-dee-freaking-dah, Dr. Drake," Nikolas quipped, "Not everyone is as much of a medical nerd as you are. Nah, what I want to learn more about is how the media has portrayed premarital sex throughout the past fifty years."

Jax scoffed at both of them. "Puh-leese, those are both pussy topics, pun very much intended. Jerry and I picked two random topics during American History class and betted money on who could write the better paper. So he's researching the correlation between lesbian relationships and condom use, while I will be gathering information on pregnancy and masturbation."

"Those are actually very intriguing and intellectually stimulating premises upon which an academic paper can be written," commented Spinelli in his usual rapid, third-person speak. "The Jackal will commence his hunt posthaste for data concerning the development of the embryonic genitalia and the hormones that determine the clitoral or penile nature of said structures in a fetus." Everyone at the table grunted and rolled their eyes as a unit before resuming their lunch.

* * *

><p>By the time Thanksgiving break had concluded, Luke had graded all of the term papers he had received before the students left for their holiday. Now, after having been told the previous day to be patient while he entered the grades into the computer, the sixteen students awaited their teacher's arrival. Practically on cue, the bell rang and Mr. Spencer promenaded into the classroom with a stack of essays in hand.<p>

"Good morning, everyone," he greeted, "I'm glad you all could make it in spite of this infamous December snowfall. Your papers have been graded, and I will hand them out in alphabetical order momentarily. But first I just wanted to say that you all have been a wonderful class this semester. I can see how most of you have gained confidence to talk about important issues concerning sex and sexuality that others would normally disregard. You all have been a prime example of what a mandatory sex education class is all about." Luke cleared his throat and straightened the papers on his desk. "Now, the moment you have all been waiting for…"

Mr. Spencer called for Carly [87], Nikolas [76], and Sonny [84] without incident (Carly had quickly discovered the perks of being first in roll call, so she allowed Mr. Spencer to leave her where the school's computer system had put her). When Patrick was called on, he strode up to the teacher's desk proudly, but he found out that his return journey would not be as triumphant. "You have an impeccable eye for detail and analysis," complimented Luke, "but save your eighteen-page dissertation papers for med school, please." Patrick trudged back to his seat and laid his head on the desk, the B- [81] mark poking out from under his arm.

Then came the Brothers Jacks. To everyone's surprise, Mr. Spencer called both to the front at the same time. "Normally, I would be apprehensive about two brothers working on the same project. However, each of your papers was so distinct and reflective of yourselves that I had no doubt in their authorship. Jerry, I thought it was brilliant how you integrated the principle of condom use with the use of sex toys between lesbians. Jasper, I was fascinated by your research about the benefits of orgasmic experience on pregnant women. You both deserved every point of this." He handed the papers to each Jacks at the same time, and they rushed back to their adjacent desks to compare their scores. While Maxie [83] and Ric [89] were getting their papers, the brothers suddenly busted out laughing.

"…the hell is so funny?" asked Maxie, yanking her paper out of Mr. Spencer's hand.

Sonny, who had also looked at the two essays and started laughing, explained, "Both of them got a 97! Oh my god, this is just too wild! So much for that forty-dollar bet, eh, Jerry?"

"I'm not even mad!" Jerry managed to say in between chuckles.

Luke gave the giggling boys a puzzled look before resuming his task. Sam [93], Jason [86], Robin [88], Lucky [91], and Lulu [85] each got their papers back with little to no comment. Spinelli almost collided with the desk as he ran to the front of the room, fueled with hope. His anticipation was duly rewarded with a 100. Claudia slinked by the giddy Spinelli to receive her paper, deciding to be proud of her 87.

Finally, Luke called upon Johnny Zacchara just as the bell rang for dismissal. "Jonathan, your essay was…revealing, to say the least," he stated, handing back the paper, "although I am afraid erotica was not one of the given topics." Mr. Spencer gathered his things and left the room as quickly as he initially entered it. Johnny walked back to his desk and scrutinized his essay. On the title page was a sticky note with little bits of writing.

Johnny anxiously flipped the note over to look at his grade. He let out a loud gasp. "WHAT? How the hell did I get _this_?"

A small group gathered around Johnny to see what the matter was. "Let me guess," interjected Claudia, "Another failing grade? Well, I'm not surprised, seeing as you're one of the dumbest-"

"No, I got a 100, that's what's so messed up!" exasperated the little Zaccara. "I haven't gotten one of these since the third grade! Look, sis, one-zero-zero, plain as day!" Even Claudia was staring at the paper, dumbfounded.

"What is this about, then?" asked Jason, reaching over Johnny's shoulder and peeling off the sticky note. He scanned the note and his jaw dropped. "Mr. Spencer wrote down the web address for 'Literotica' and said Johnny should send his paper there!"

"That's just plain twisted," sighed Ric.

* * *

><p>Needless to say, Sonny's face-palm prophecy about everyone having a warped perception of normal sexuality ended up coming true.<p> 


End file.
